Seaton: Fact or Fiction

I’m a bit tapped on jokes this week, so today we’re going to play a game. What follows is a collection of ridiculous stories arguably too fantastical to be true. One of the stories is a complete fabrication. I made it up.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to figure out which one of these stories is a lie. Don’t bother Googling—I’ll know. Trust me. Ignore the surveillance drones at your windows. Leave your answer in the comments below. The first correct poster gets an attaboy from me.

Let’s go!

1. Wrestling legend “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair often referred to his penis as “Space Mountain” and during television promos would invite women in Florida to his hotel room for the “real ride.”

2. Two wrestlers in Florida are going over their match in the locker room. Wrestler 1 tells Wrestler 2 the one taboo is punching him in his bad right eye. As soon as the bell rings, Wrestler 2 punches Wrestler 1 in the right eye.

Wrestler 1 then grabs Wrestler 2, fishes a small shank out of his trunks, and stabs Wrestler 2 nine times. W1 is arrested and charged with aggravated assault but charges were dropped when W2 agreed to drop all charges on condition W1 trains W2.

W1 agrees and never returns to Florida again.

1. Although really just a dyed-in-the-wool Masshole who loves baseball, wrestler Kevin Sullivan did such a believable job incorporating occult references into his gimmick people still believe to this day he’s a Satanist.

2. A WWE writer thought it would be a good idea to hold a legitimate Toughman-style contest among the talent and staged one to humiliate someone he saw as a locker room bully. The whole goal of the contest was to establish “Dr. Death” Steve Williams as a real-life badass but plans went out the window when a wrestler named Bart Gunn knocked Williams out in the first round of their fight. Gunn won the tournament and was knocked out by boxer Eric “Butterbean” Esch at a pay-per-view event for his troubles.

3. Quebec strongman Dino Bravo quit wrestling to spend more time with his family, but didn’t have many other skills than being able to bench 500 pounds and throw guys around. Bravo became a mob enforcer, made his way into the untaxed cigarette business, and was eventually shot to death in his home for not following Mafia orders.

4. Radio personality Todd Pettengill was offered an audition as a WWF announcer. He didn’t particularly feel as though he did a good job in his audition and made his way to the restroom as he prepared to leave WWF’s headquarters.

The occupant in the adjacent stall was in the midst of the worst smelling dump Pettengill had ever experienced in his life. After two or three minutes of loud, wet, smelly defecation, Pettengill yelled out “Goddamn, how about a courtesy flush?” The stall occupant guffawed with laughter and flushed. Much to Pettengill’s surprise, the stall’s occupant was Vince McMahon.

Todd Pettengill got a job offer that day.

1. WWF creative thought it would be a good idea to bring in a villain character named “Nailz” who would be a prisoner abused by a wrestler named “The Big Bossman,” who was ostensibly a corrections officer in Cobb County Georgia before trying his hand in the squared circle.

“Nailz’s” career would be short lived, as less than a year into his debut he physically assaulted Vince McMahon over what he perceived as a low payoff for a pay-per-view match.

1. One night in New York, Vince McMahon is speeding through a construction area in a car with his inner circle of Jim Ross, Pat Patterson, Bruce Pritchard and Gerald Briscoe. The three passengers were drinking beer and depositing the empties in the backseat area.

McMahon is stopped by an NYPD cop, who puts him in the back of a squad car and questions everyone else in the car. After confirming the driver was Vince McMahon with every passenger, the cop said, before letting McMahon leave, “I guess that makes me The Big Bossman tonight.”

1. Wrestling promoter Dennis Coralluzzo wanted to reach his friend Jim Cornette one night. Dennis misdialed Jim’s Morristown, Tennessee number wrong by one digit. The person who answered the phone did so in such a profane, obscenity laced manner Coralluzo wrote the number down and had numerous people over the years call the number and ask for Jim.

The prank ended a couple of years later when Cornette found out about the stunt and demanded the phone number. When the lady on the other line picked up the phone, Cornette said “Hello, this is Jim. Has anyone left messages for me?”

1. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase made a name for himself well before social media by taking what Vince McMahon called “flash cash” in public. With a grand or two in his pockets, he’d buy everyone a round of drinks at a bar, then loudly proclaim, “Those drinks were paid for by me, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase. Everybody’s got a price!”

DiBiase’s son would be arrested on insurance fraud charges decades later, with several tied to his father’s ministry.

1. A man sued the trainer of a wrestling bear because the trainer wouldn’t let the guy fight his bear for a $1000 prize one night. The trainer of “Terrible Ted” didn’t let the fight go through because “Ted” was actually a female and “Ted’s” trainer noticed when it was a certain time of the month, Ted got more aggressive and didn’t respond to her training.

A judge held “Ted” in a local jail yard for three days before finally taking pity on Ted and her trainer, letting the bear loose with a promise Ted and her trainer return to face the music. The duo never returned to the region again.

Happy hunting, and have a great weekend!