Class of 2020:
Congratulations. You’ve made it. I’m sure the journey to this point was full of surprises and probably wasn’t what you expected, but you’ve finally done it. All the hard work memorizing and retaining info for tests paid off. You now have a piece of paper in your hands saying you graduated from the institution you aren’t currently attending due to COVID-19.
This year, commencement probably looks drastically different than ones you might have attended before. Still, it’s not all that bad! You get to sit in sweats instead of a cap and gown, and there’s no waiting around in a crowded hall to get your diploma. And everyone’s giving awesome commencement addresses, from Barack Obama to me. Yep, a random asshole on the internet is about to give you unsolicited life advice. How cool is that?
I don’t want to diminish the importance of this moment by saying your accomplishment is basically getting a piece of paper. But this is one step on your life’s journey. And looking at life as a series of endings isn’t a very fulfilling way to live. It’s so much better to look at life’s milestones as music notes on a sheet of paper and realize we’re better off dancing.
So now that we’ve acknowledged the importance of this moment, let’s get to the unsolicited life advice. What I have to say is practical material, not empty platitudes. These time tested chestnuts will serve you well in the future.
First, never, ever talk to cops. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t engage in friendly banter should the occasion arise. If you find yourself questioned by police, simply say over and over again, “I’ll be happy to answer questions once my lawyer is here.” It’s hard to overstate how much trouble people could avoid if they just remembered this one simple statement.
Second, if you ever find yourself in court, make sure you have a lawyer and let him or her do all the talking. It’s not just that they know the law. They also probably practice in front of the judge presiding over your case regularly and know what arguments to make.
In fact, during your trial, you might find yourself wanting to speak. You might even want to ask the judge, “May I speak?” The jurist might be inclined to grant your request. Trust me on this one, 99% of what you have to say will wreck your case, so shut the fuck up and let the lawyer do all the talking.
Read every chance you get. Reading is one of the overlooked joys in life. It can entertain you and keep you informed better than anything on YouTube. Books also cost less than cable!
Listen to uncomfortable opinions, no matter how much you think they’re wrong. Too many people are happy to sit in their little bubbles of safety and scream when someone invades their delicate safe space with an unsavory take. Sometimes that “horrible” opinion is just what you needed to hear.
Do something every now and then to mess with the unwritten rules of society. Enter an elevator and face the wall. Turn your shopping cart backwards when going through checkout. Nobody can do anything about it and you’ll learn how many of our rules are arbitrary and self-enforced.
If you go to burn a bridge, whether literal or figurative, make sure there’s a damn good justification for doing so.
Never take life advice from celebrities. They know jack shit about most things in life. And when you hear a celebrity’s “truth,” assume Jack left town.
Be precise in your language. Use complete sentences. It’s becoming a lost art in the age of the emoji.
Never take a second chance to make a first impression. You’ll probably never get an opportunity like that, but if you do, skip it.
When someone wants to act like an idiot, get out of the way and let them. Back away slowly. It’s not your job to fix stupid. If it is your job, make sure you get paid in advance. Handsomely.
Never date a gender studies major. They’re perpetually oppressed and will accuse you of rape the first chance they get. If your major is gender studies, I’m sorry you wasted your parents’ money. You’ll probably need to rethink your life choices.
Learn the art of pissing people off—how to be a “heel”—and use that art delicately.
Don’t be afraid of speaking in public. In fact, take every chance you get to speak in public. It’ll make a common fear nothing to you.
Save your money. It’ll prevent heart and headaches later.
The answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42. It’s on you to figure out the proper question.
And finally, if you find yourself in a position to pay for your parents’ dinner, be a sport and do it. They’ve been through a lot to get you to this moment.
Happy graduation day, Class of 2020! Never stop learning! Unless you’re dead, in which case there’s really not much of a point and the thought of you reading this is creepy.
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