Happy Friday, everyone! In case you’re not wrapped up in the world of pseudo-intellectual news, Jordan Peterson of “12 Rules for Life” and “Beyond Order” fame was recently banned from Twitter. His crime? The practice of “Deadnaming,” or calling trans actor Elliot Page by the name with which he was given at birth. [Ed. Note: Elliot Page used to be Ellen Page, who no longer exists, so never use that name. Thank you.]
Peterson has since embraced a philosophy of anti-wokeism that’s made him a darling of conservative media. The Daily Wire, a right-wing news site, actually signed a deal with Peterson to host a new series featuring him and host all of the Canadian professor’s content.
Which got me to thinking. Those fuckers are in Nashville and they’re giving a Canadian money just because he got a bug up his ass and refused to play nice with wokescolds? Shit I’ve been doing that all my life and I guarantee the Daily Wire team or any other conservative news outlet that I’ll do the work for 2/3 of what Peterson’s getting.
Mustn’t undersell oneself. The question that remains in my head is what problematic statements would resonate with a large enough base that I could get attention and money without getting canceled? How do I convert mob outrage to cold hard cash?
Let’s see what problematic statements I can come up with in two minutes. Boy the Seaton SmartAss Timer’s been getting a workout lately. And here we go!
There are only two genders. You’re not “assigned” a gender at birth; a doctor looks at you and says you’re either a girl or a boy based on your body parts. That’s biology.
It is hilarious watching the number of people who can’t say the word “woman” anymore. A band that I used to love, Rage Against the Machine, recently flashed pro-abortion messages reading “Forced birth in a country where black birth-givers experience two to three times the mortality rate of white birth-givers.” “Birth Givers?” That’s the term we’re to use now? Give me a fucking break. [Ed. Note: In congressional hearings, the preferred phrase is people with the capacity for pregnancy.]
Yes, it’s fucking hot outside. It’s called “summer,” and none of it is your fault, no matter what some prissy Swedish teenager tells you.
Reality TV is a one note joke everyone’s tired of but people still pay attention to in case someone finally cracks and goes mental on TV. Which given the way folks are treated on those sets happens more often than one would think.
Most of reality TV’s allure allows people to judge others in a “safe” manner. That bitch Gabby totally deserves to feel like a cheap slut for sleeping with two men in one night; you just don’t have to tell her that to her face when she’s “The Bachelorette.”
Speaking of “The Bachelorette,” I don’t know who needs to hear this but the season’s already concluded, they’ve taped everything, spoilers are out there to who “won” that mess and I’ll break my rule for spoiling stuff if you people piss me off.
Most people don’t know about the “Turkey Corollary,” so here you go: as a group grows larger and larger, the group’s average IQ is only as high as the dumbest lump of nerves in the bunch. You could have a roomful of Nobel Prize winners, Mensa members, and ten flawless clones of me, but the moment a halfwit walks in our collective powers are diminished by the bowl of brain pudding that is violently allergic to reason and common sense. Yes, stupidity is contagious. (Thanks to Chael Sonnen for this one).
Global Warming is a myth cooked up by Alex Jones’ alter ego, Elizabeth Warren.
Ms. Marvel was not a good show, no matter how diverse and inclusive it is, and it’s a terrible way to bring [REDACTED: No spoilers in this house] to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
For that matter, Dr. Strange 2 was the worst Marvel film I’ve seen to date and that’s saying something. The fucking Fantastic Four reboot with the dude who plays Rooster in Top Gun: Maverick is in contention for that title.
An eerie similarity to vegans, CrossFitters and the people who tell you incessantly to watch “Top Gun: Maverick” and “The Terminal List.”
The Bible is probably bullshit. The Quran too. All the religious books are probably bullshit. You just consume the flavor that tastes best to you.
Two V’s don’t work right now: voting and vaccines.
Jordan Peterson’s not that smart, he’s just figured out a way to kayfabe millions into thinking he is by speaking really slowly, pausing every three seconds between phrases, and saying “Bloody hell, man.”
Not every drag queen is a groomer. Some are, though. Those are the ones you need to watch out for.
I’m just saying we need to ban the import of Afghani Hookahs until we figure out what the hell’s going on over there.
Elon Musk won’t save Twitter. That ship has sailed. Make like Elsa in Frozen and let it go.
George Takei’s looking more and more like a creepy pervert you shield your kids from talking to when they come out to water the lawn. This has been going on for about four years now but it’s really getting pronounced.
The people screaming the loudest about an issue usually don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. They’ve abandoned logic and reason for a “share” and “RT” button in their heads.
A Democratic congresswoman claims in one breath it’s not a bad thing for Supreme Court Justices to get shouted at while they’re eating dinner or for men with rifles to camp outside their homes but then gets upset when a YouTuber catcalls her on the steps of the Capitol building. Oh, the irony. Don’t you think?
Vince McMahon could’ve saved himself so much trouble and maximized corporate profits if he’d just spent the $12 million in hush money payouts he’s made over the years on hookers.
They/Them pronouns are never going to be a thing. That refers to a group of people, not a person. I don’t give a shit if you’re “non-binary,” let’s come up with something like Shrm or Hhrm so that we can at least make some semblance of grammatical correctness.
That should about do it. Okay, Daily Wire, Daily Caller, here you go. Hell, I’ll even take Breitbart’s money at this point. Just stop forking over your corporate profits to people like Jordan Peterson.
Give it to me instead. I’ve got kids, y’know, and you’re keeping your content with American creators. Patriotism means something to y’all, right?
To the rest of you: Have a great weekend and we’ll see you next time! Remember no matter how bad your week’s been, at least you aren’t resorting to saying offensive things solely for a cash grab!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.
Until next Friday!
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