Seaton: Unsolicited Advice

Tuesday I turn 40. I’ve finally reached a point in life where I resemble my spirit animal, Terry Funk: Middle-aged and crazy.

In celebration of this occasion I’m going to indulge myself and hand out some Unsolicited Advice from a self-professed middle-aged crazy man on the Internet who you should probably never listen to.

Unless, of course, you agree with me.

Take a course in theatrical pickpocketing if you need a confidence boost. There’s something really satisfying in stealing someone’s watch from under their noses as a gag then handing it over as a gag later.

This nugget from William Shatner’s been useful: never be ashamed to tell servers at a restaurant it’s your birthday. At best you’re getting free dessert. At worst they’re nicer to you.

People who live by the saying, “If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything” should consider amending that to “Don’t talk about people.” Praising someone’s work can lead to egg on your face if they fuck up.

The world would be better off if you minded your own damn business. That statement applies to everyone.

Break the rules for a week. By this I mean, go out of your way to violate a few harmless norms. Push your shopping cart backwards at check out. Face the wall of an elevator instead of the door. You will come away with a new understanding of how many societal “rules” are just herd-mentality constraints.

There’s an art to pissing people off. Competency in that art is a valuable skill.

Visit the American South once in your life, even if it’s a weekend trip to Dollywood. I’ve been all over the world and no place has ever felt quite like home like here. You’re guaranteed to meet the nicest people and you’ll really dig some of the food.

Learning to ride horses is something everyone should do because of one thing: if you’re thrown from the horse you get up, dust yourself off and get back on that horse.

If you find yourself in the limelight, appreciate the moment, keep the good vibes on you, and realize it’s a fleeting occasion.

Generally speaking you should never talk to cops. The exception is if you’re friends and he’s not on the job.

Two or three quality friendships are worth more than gold.

Generally speaking if someone carries a deck of playing cards regularly, they probably fancy themselves a magician. If this person goes to another magician’s show and insists the performer use HIS deck, that’s called “a certified asshole.”

Save your old driver licenses. You never know when they’ll come in handy.

If you ever get the sense you’re the butt of a practical joke, you’re probably correct.

Precision in language is crucial. Despite what you think, no one has a clue when you tell them you “saw that movie with that guy who was in that thing.”

The more you study hypnosis, the more you’ll see how much people act on feelings compared to rational thought.

A little extension of gratitude, where warranted, will take you a long way.

Assume you don’t know shit when you wake in the morning, strive to learn things you don’t know, and you’ll generally come out better by the time you hit the hay.

Parents of the world: we really need to stop telling new parents to “Get sleep now!” As cheerfully as we can say this, all of us know it’s the cruelest thing to say to anyone expecting a newborn.

In a private card game, no real cheat’s going to bust out a one-handed cut and shuffle because it’ll send all the marks running. The guy who acts like he doesn’t know what he’s doing is the person to keep eyes on.

Most folks would do well enough to remember the maxim about removing the plank from your eye before complaining about the speck of wood in someone else’s. That’s something Jordan Peterson fans and Mask Karens could take to heart.

It never gets easier, but it definitely gets better.

Memo to all the married people: Lower your expectations.

And finally, life’s too short to let good dick jokes go to waste.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen: unsolicited life advice from a self-professed middle-aged crazy man, offered here on the Internet, which you should probably ignore.

Unless, of course, if you agree with me.

Have a great weekend, and contrary to what my mean-ass editor says, I like birthday gifts. Just sayin’.