If you’re reading this, congratulations. We did it. We survived 2020. It’s worth celebrating.
While I’m sure most of us would love to relegate 2020 to the dust bin of history, it’s important we take a moment to appreciate how batshit insane the year was and give it true justice by making fun of the weirdness.
The only problem with doing a proper 2020 year in review is the sheer volume of material. So much happened in the last year some weeks flew by in minutes. So if a particular item of interest isn’t here, feel free to let us know in the comments. Let’s get started. Cast your minds back to…
JANUARY, when most of Australia was on fire. Literally. Over in the United States, though, Nancy Pelosi was excited for the Christmas gift she always wanted: impeaching the Orange Man. She was so excited she even purchased commemorative pens for the occasion.
Meanwhile Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, stunned the world when they announced their desire to step back from their roles as “senior royals,” effectively relieving themselves of all the perks and duties that status conferred.
This is a pretty amazing moment and completely unremarkable if you think about it. A man with untold wealth and no cares in the world walked away from that life because his wife asked him. It’s a reminder men generally think with their smaller head first and while men may lead households, it’s the women who run shit.
In entertainment news, “Parasite” won Best Picture at the Oscars, becoming the first non-English speaking film to earn such an honor. This puzzled laypeople who’ve been told by critics for years how foreign films were superior to their American counterparts.
FEBRUARY marked the conviction of media mogul Harvey Weinstein on sexual assault charges, finally cementing his legal status as a No Good Rat Bastard Who Totally Did It.
We kept hearing about some virus originating from a wet market in China that had some pretty serious respiratory effects, but our elders and betters kept telling us if we even mentioned such things it was racist. The morally superior thing to do, we were told, was visit Chinese restaurants.
And then there was MARCH.
The World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a Pandemic. We made the decision as a country to close for two weeks.
Toilet paper became a luxury item.
Markets crashed. Schools closed. Churches were ordered to cease services. Zoom became a verb we used to describe meeting virtually. Sports closed. For the first time since your humble humorist walked the planet, we didn’t get a detailed analysis of the President’s March Madness bracket.
“Experts” took repeated stabs at determining what businesses and activities were “essential” and “non-essential.” Arcades shuttered while casinos ran their video slot machines day and night. Big box stores selling food remained open while small businesses were fined or padlocked as they struggled to adapt business in this new world.
With a huge shift in online retail, more money lined the pocket this year of the richest man in the world. The guy who owns the only American paper of record to take down a sitting President.
APRIL brought us reports of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un possibly being offed by his sister. This would later be disputed by photographs released by state media.
MAY brought us the murder hornets. Everyone remember those? I tried a bit of Googling but can’t seem to find if we’re still supposed to be scared about that.
As we roll into JUNE, the focus is on the Democratic Party, who chose an old white man with two failed presidential bids to his name as the nominee out of the most diverse field of candidates I’ve seen in my lifetime.
JULY saw a huge Twitter hack of many prominent people. This was allegedly orchestrated by a Florida teenager who wanted Bitcoin.
This was quickly overshadowed by the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s personal confidant. Many rich and powerful people instantly got very nervous.
AUGUST brought us more rumors of Kim Jong-Un’s demise, but let’s face it folks. Dude could literally be pulling a “Weekend at Bernie’s” and we’d never be the wiser.
A huge explosion at a port decimated Beirut.
Joe Biden announced Kamala Harris as his Vice Presidential nominee. Everyone with a shred of criminal law knowledge said putting her a heartbeat away from the highest office in the land was a Really Bad Idea. Most folks put fingers in their ears and said, “LALALA WE CAN’T HEAR YOU.”
California saw record wildfires.
America gasped as a nation in AUGUST when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away.
This caused a tremendous uproar publicly because it meant the Orange Man would get to pick a third Supreme Court Justice in his first term. He’d already picked two Justices and “The Notorious One” allegedly had a dying wish someone other than the Orange Man pick her replacement.
Naturally, Orange Man, with pal Cocaine Mitch in tow, said “lol no we’re not doing any of that” and quickly confirmed Justice Amy Coney Barrett, the first Supreme Court Justice with school-aged children. Working mothers of school-aged children, including some from Justice Barrett’s alma mater, responded by penning open letters and Facebook posts asking her to decline her dream gig because “it’s the right thing to do.”
OCTOBER surprised us with the Orange Man getting the virus he’d told the public for months would just “go away.” No matter what you personally think of the man, it’s comforting to know the President was in the best medical care possible. Even if it meant the President looked like he was on a meth bender for a few days on Twitter.
Most of us celebrated Halloween, even if it wasn’t the usual way of doing things.
NOVEMBER saw record turnout for the Presidential election. Biden won. The Orange Man reacted to this predictably by shrieking about a rigged election and suing everyone in sight. Countless lawyers who should’ve known better filed lawsuits without standing or possible remedies a court could provide.
(As an aside, if you’re reading this and in law school, take Remedies if it’s not a mandatory class. This year should be proof enough why. Thank me later.)
Anyway, all of this culminated with the Supreme Court refusing to make this Bush v. Gore 2.
DECEMBER began with more nonsense from Governors and other local officials announcing new lockdowns and restrictions “for public safety” they promptly ignored. One particular offender of note is California Governor Gavin Newsome, who initiated a ban on indoor dining and then attended a fancy indoor dinner party.
No one really knows what 2021 will bring, but we can take comfort in knowing as long as we do what our supposed “betters” tell us we’ll be fine.
Yes, we can all agree 2020 was the drizzling shits. But if you think about it, not all of the year was bad.
We got the privilege of watching first run movies in our living rooms intoxicated and wearing sweatpants.
Universal home delivery of just about every item possible became a thing.
Holiday gatherings lost the awkward family dinner table conversations.
We got full NFL and NCAA Football seasons despite everyone under the sun telling us it’d never happen and doing so would create an unconscionable health risk.
And possibly best of all, there was zero pressure this year to dress up and haul the family to Church on Christmas Day.
So here’s to 2021, fresh of wonder, joy, and excitement.
We hope.
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