“Hey kiddo,” I called to my son on Monday of this week, “Spider-Man is on TV. Want to watch?”
My son, a huge Spider-Man enthusiast, put a tablet down to watch “The Amazing Spider-Man 2,” a movie I found during a search on Hulu to try and bond with my son. Over the next three days, I subjected myself to the single most godawful movie ever created.
And you bastards are going to suffer with me.
Escaping into theaters back in 2014, “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” is the last of the “Amazing Spider-Man” series of movies and is thankfully the last time Andrew Garfield donned the red and blue of New York’s Friendly Neighborhood Web-Slinger. Emma Stone co-stars as Peter Parker’s love interest, Gwen Stacy, and Jamie Foxx plays Max Dillon (“Electro”) in a performance I’m sure he wishes never existed.
Before I get into the specifics of how bad this film is, I should qualify my review by mentioning I fell asleep three times watching this. That’s how plodding the pace is at times. The dialogue is corny even for superhero movies, the situations preposterous, and the teenage angst a touch overdone for anyone’s tastes.
We begin the film with a scene of Spider-Man’s parents getting killed while flying a chartered jet to some scientific conference with a ground-breaking discovery. Mysteriously, some bad person wants Peter Parker orphaned, so he dons a co-pilot’s uniform, steals the one parachute, and then crashes the Parkers’ plane.
I guess in all the years I’ve read Spider-Man comics and watched Spider-Man movies, I somehow missed the plot point where Peter Parker’s parents were SUPER GENIUSES.
Maybe that’s how Parker got into “Midtown Science High,” which is where the movie takes us next. You see, it’s Graduation Day, and Gwen Stacy is the class valedictorian. She’s upset at Peter, who’s not at graduation to hear her commencement speech, because Peter is trying to stop a crazy Russian guy from stealing a truck full of plutonium.
Anyway, Spider-Man glides into graduation and makes it just in time to walk the stage and get his diploma. He shares touching moments afterwards with Aunt May and Gwen, who warns Peter that if he continues being reckless as Spider-Man someone’s going to get hurt.
Can anyone say “foreshadowing?” I knew you could.
While Spider-Man is saving the day and disregarding the insane property damage his antics cause, he runs into Max Dillon, an electrician who’s on his way to OsCorp to present plans for a new power grid of his own unique design.
When OsCorp rejects Dillon, he decides to build the grid on his own. A mishap occurs and Dillon gains the power to manipulate electricity. Now blue-skinned and with a chip on his shoulder, Dillon becomes “Electro,” and therefore obsessed with gaining control of every bit of electrical power in New York City.
Sometime in here we’re introduced to Harry Osborne (Dane DeHaan), the son of Norman Osborne, who was the first film’s Green Goblin. Harry is sick. I’m not really sure why, as the movie didn’t give me enough reason to care, but he’s obsessed with getting some of Spider-Man’s blood as he thinks it will cure his malady. When Spidey refuses to fork over a little plasma, Osborne then injects himself with his father’s Green Goblin serum to see if that will help.
It doesn’t. Harry turns green, gets weird spikes on his face, and figures out where his dad’s old mischief-making equipment is. He then teams up with Electro and manages to give ol’ Sparky enough juice to where the duo black out New York City.
A gauntlet is thrown. Spider-Man can either meet the Green Goblin and Electro on their turf—the Dillon power grid—or New York stays in the stone ages. Spidey goes off to face the bad guys without Gwen Stacy’s help, which was kind of stupid since Gwen is apparently an electrical engineering prodigy with detailed knowledge of the Dillon power grid.
As we reach the climactic fight scene, Spider-Man is saved from certain death at Electro’s hands by Gwen, who runs the villain over with a police car. A guy who’s basically made of electricity is bested by a car.
I said none of this shit made sense.
So Gwen then uses her electrical engineering mumbo-jumbo to reverse the Dillon grid so it drains power from Electro instead of giving it to him. This neutralizes Electro and restores New York’s power.
And then the Green Goblin gets involved and tries to kill Spidey and Gwen.
Spider-Man gets his licks in on the Goblin, but not before the building collapses and Gwen Stacy plummets to her death.
Time passes. New York attempts to adjust to a world without Spider-Man. Peter Parker sits at home sulking over his Cheerios because he lost the love of his life.
Harry Osborne sits atop OsCorp tower nursing his wounds. He tells a flunky to bust the Russian from the start of the film from prison and give him the “tools he needs.”
“They’re already at OsCorp,” Osborne tells the lackey.
At this point, my son, who is turning six, turns to me and says, “Daddy why does the Green Goblin have all of the Sinister Six’s outfits in his office? It makes no sense?”
When a child rejects the logic of a superhero movie, someone done went and fucked up.
Anyway, the Russian’s “tools” happen to be a mechanized robotic suit that looks like a rhinoceros. With guns blazing, the Rhino tears through hordes of police laughing like it’s nothing to him.
Everyone ceases fire when a small boy in a Spider-Man costume breaches the police barricade. The Rhino laughs at the child’s bravery until we hear a swooping noise and heroic music.
The child looks up to see Spider-Man, back and in full costume, who says “Nice work Spider-Man. How about I take it from here?”
“I knew you’d come back!” the child says.
And that’s basically the end of the movie. We never see the fight with the Rhino, whether the kid is safe, or what happens next. That’s because Marvel smartened up, bought the Spider-Man movie rights back from Sony, and never let anyone associated with this abortion of a film near a Marvel project again.
Do not watch this movie. If you feel you must, it’s available on the streaming service of your choosing. It’s rated PG-13 and runs two hours and twenty two minutes.
In the words of Billy Madison, I award this film no stars, and may God have mercy on the souls of those responsible for this mess.
Anyway, Happy Friday everybody! Let’s have a better weekend, and take comfort in knowing no matter how bad your week was, at least you weren’t sucked into three afternoons of horrible cinema.
Where do I go to get three afternoons back?
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