Seaton: But His Emails (NFL Edition)

Prefatory note: my hacker contact, BlueDragon72, who totally isn’t TechDirt’s Tim Cushing, sent me this today. I think y’all will like this. –CLS

May 1, 2021
FROM: Templeton, Roy (sheriff@mlal.state.al)
TO: Belichick, Bill (coach@nepatriots.com)
SUBJECT: QB Problem

Dear Coach Belichick:

You don’t know me, but I feel like we’ve got a connection because of your relationship with Coach Saban of our Blessed Alabama Crimson Tide. One of my deputies got your email address during the NFL Draft. I write to you to ask you a crucial question.

Why are you starting Cam Newton when you could start Mac Jones?

Mac’s the next Tom Brady, Coach. Coach Sabin groomed him in the Patriot Way while he played at the school Jesus built, the University of Alabama. No matter the receiver he’ll put the ball where it needs to go.

Contrast that with Mr. Newton, who didn’t even get you to the playoffs and was wildly inconsistent last season. Plus he needs a haircut.

Mac Jones is what the kids call “the new hotness.” Cam Newton is what Roy Junior calls “Old and Busted.”

So please think about benching Cam when he botches a play in the first quarter of the opening game. Then put Mac Jones in and show Cam he needs to earn his spot.

But he won’t, because Cam didn’t attend Alabama.

You won’t be sorry if you follow my advice, Coach Belichick.

But treat Mac Jones wrong and if you’re ever in my jurisdiction I’ll make sure we meet based on a pretextual stop.

Ask Brian Setzer what happened when he crossed me.

Fraternally,
–Sheriff Roy