Prefatory note: Someone apparently had a rotten couple of weeks at the National School Board Association. My hacker contact “BlueDragon72” passed along this copy of a draft apology letter the NSBA planned to send to parents. After reading it you’ll see why they changed things.—CLS
Dear Parents:
By now you’ve probably heard about a troubling letter sent to Attorney General Merrick Garland by someone from our offices equating parents attending school board meetings with domestic terrorists. This letter also said “hate crimes” were being perpetrated by parents attending school board meetings.
On behalf of the NSBA, we’d like to sincerely apologize for that letter and any inconvenience it may have caused. We truly regret pushing a poorly written document to the Department of Justice likening concerned parents to American Al Qaeda operatives.
But can you really blame us? After all, we got into school boards because we wanted to be politicians without all the nasty stuff like accountability to constituents or actually following through with campaign promises. We didn’t think any of you would actually pay attention to what we’re teaching your children every day.
Or that you’d get so mad about it. Take “Critical Race Theory,” which is a term most of you probably heard on Tucker Carlson or some other Fox News show and really don’t understand. Just take our word on it: your children aren’t being taught a complex theory about race that no one in the media can properly articulate in a short, concise statement.
Seriously, we’re not teaching your children to hate each other based on skin color. We just know better than you how to educate your kids on the racist history of the United States. For crying out loud, people, the 1619 Project won a Pulitzer Prize! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?
And then there’s all the fuss about masks and vaccinations. Look. Masks work, okay? No less than Dr. Anthony Fauci said so. And his colleague at the CDC, Rochelle Wallensky. They’re EXPERTS in this stuff, people! If they say it saves lives, then we’re kind of obligated to do what they say.
Frankly, we’re surprised most of you aren’t doing the same thing and masking up. Unless you’re a rube from one of the Southern states, like Tennessee or Florida. We gave up on all of you back when you were failing science classes, so it’s not like you know how to “follow the science” on anything.
I mean hello, people! We’re still in the middle of a pandemic, and CNN says the new COVID Mu Variant might cause spontaneous braying like donkeys in your children along with all the other nasty symptoms! Don’t you want us to be safe teaching your children? Don’t you want your children safe?
(As an aside, get your five year old vaccinated as soon as it’s authorized. It’s not that we really care about the safety of your kid or this “freedom for bodily autonomy” so many of you are bitching about. It’s that until they get the jab like us, they’re unclean little disease monsters and we don’t feel safe around them.)
Safety is a big concern among NSBA members. In fact, we’re all about schools being “safe spaces.” No child should ever grow up in an environment where they’re actually taught to question the status quo, get inquisitive of the world around them, or bother to ask why things are unfair or unjust.
In fact, that’s what school boards do best: tell your children’s teachers what and how to teach, and to keep your nosy parent asses out of it.
Speaking of nosy parents, what’s with all the fuss over transgender students? Why is it a big deal if a trans female student shares a bathroom with your daughter Jenny? Aren’t they allowed to live their truths and determine their own destiny, like your kid?
And let’s be honest, the whole fuss over transgender children playing in sports that aren’t those of their “biological sex” is really overblown. Trans students across America are a very tiny minority, and a very marginalized group at best, so it’s critical we give them the even playing field cisgender students have enjoyed for decades.
Most of you haven’t even bothered to look at a health or sex ed textbook lately anyway, otherwise you’d know gender is a spectrum, people can change it at will, and there’s really no difference between boys and girls these days anyway.
Probably from all the hormones in the meat your children are eating, but we’re not dietitians. We’re bureaucrats. We listen to the experts and make policy decisions accordingly, even if the experts get it wrong at every turn.
Look, we encourage parent participation in school districts across the nation. Just do it on our terms, okay? For one, stop calling our members mean names on Twitter. That’s just hateful and produces nothing constructive.
Second, please refrain from calling us “tyrants,” “dictators,” or “ideologues” when you’re given the privilege of speaking at school board meetings. We gave you the chance to speak about your child’s education, not what you think of us personally. Staying on topic is a big deal!
And it would really be nice if you thanked us on occasion for all the hard work we’re doing to keep your kids in school. After all, getting teachers properly motivated to get in the classrooms and do their jobs is our greatest achievement!
If you don’t treat us nicely, we can always go back to virtual learning.
Sit and think on that one for a moment, you little “freedom” loving “patriots.” Remember how much fun it was for you to figure out child care at a moment’s notice whenever we decided to pivot to class via Chromebook for the day? We can totally go back to that if it’s what you want.
Look, in closing, we’re sorry we called those of you with legitimate concerns about what your children are being taught “domestic terrorists.” Maybe the better choice of words would have been “ignorant rubes worthy of only scorn and contempt.”
Because to be honest, that’s what we really think about most of you.
And we fired the dumb-ass that sent that earlier letter to AG Garland.
There, are you happy now? We, your duly elected NSBA officials, were honest with you for a change. Can we go back to all of you ignoring us again, please? It’d be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Your NSBA
That’s all for this week, folks! Happy Friday, and remember: no matter how bad your week’s been, you’re not Randi Weingarten!
We’ll see you next week!
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