Happy Friday, everyone! Here’s to a great weekend, and checks calendar
Oh. It’s October. Joy of all joys.
I can’t begin to tell all of you how much your humble humorist cherishes the month of October. I’m practically over here jumping with joy.
Now I used to be a curmudgeon when it came to the Christmas holiday. Having kids sort of took the thunder out of those sails, so my ire now draws to the month of October, when Ugg Boots, Pumpkin Spice Lattes, [sending burnt ends to my mean-ass editor] and an onslaught of horror movie marathons assault the senses.
And then there’s the silly costumes one is obligated to don on October 31. Now I’m not normally against silly costumes. I do watch professional wrestling, after all. What’s got me down this year is there’s no cohesive family unit when it comes to Halloween costuming.
Gone are the days when we can dress as the Bat Family, characters from Star Wars, or even Peter Pan. My son wants to be Batman, Spider-Man, or a Transformer, given his mood on a current day. The daughter will be content to dress in her Rainbow Unicorn chef’s hat and apron. Which she’ll attempt to sleep in once she puts them on.
That child does love baking and cooking.
Worse than the kids, costumes one must purchase at black market rates either online or at Halloween Express are the wildly unimaginative adult costumes. If I see one more male “pimp” at a neighborhood Halloween party or a “Slutty (insert profession of choice)” I’m probably turning a good time into an abattoir.
Seriously, that shit is demeaning to you as an adult and isn’t really a good look. Cut it out. Get some other interests and try a different costume choice.
Another problem area is the drain on my finances these next three months cause. You see, by some strange twist of fate, my children’s friends all were born in the three month stretch of October-December. That’s about six birthday parties I’m legally obligated to attend, and six to eight different presents purchased depending on the age and how far up the friend scale this particular tyke rates with my kids.
Then there’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the most important of all holidays in the three month span—my birthday.
But back to October specifically. It’s only a matter of time before every major network starts their slate of Halloween-themed programming that will go on all month. Because it’s not enough for the neckbeards among us to get one day’s worth of horror movie marathons. No sir/ma’am/non-binary person of unspecified gender, we now get a month with horrible promotional names like “Netflix and Chills.”
I’m old enough to remember when there was a horror movie marathon on Halloween and they had the gall to call it a “Spook-tacular.”
Someone mentioned to me this week Netflix is going to release a Halloween-themed interactive adventure involving WWE stars “The New Day” and “The Undertaker” called “Revenge of the Undertaker” or some sort. It’s about three grown men prancing like unicorns around a haunted house inhabited by an undead zombie mortician in search of a magic urn.
I wish I was making that up.
The one date of note I’m anticipating this month is October 16. That’s the day Ole Miss and the University of Tennessee clash at Neyland Stadium in Knoxville. Lane “Shitstain” Kiffin has traditionally gotten his ass handed to him every time he’s faced Josh Heupel.
I hope the mojo still sticks, Kiffin leaves my Scruffy City with an L, and the injustices the Tennessee Volunteers suffered when he left the team in the middle of the night to work at Alabama are avenged.
Otherwise I might just set a mattress on fire.
Joy.
That’s it for this week, everyone! Here’s to a better weekend, and we’ll see you next week!
Here’s hoping I don’t cuss out an overbearing parent at a birthday party this weekend!
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