Hello all you beautiful people! Yes, it’s still me, but I’m feeling quite chipper this week as I’m finally on vacation for the first time in months. Real vacation. Not having to be nice to in-laws, not having to take the kids to various destination spots—I get to do shit that I want to do.
So naturally after catching up on some sleep, I decided to watch a movie I’d never have an interest in seeing otherwise. Paramount Plus, which I got a subscription for the Halo TV series, apparently has Johnny Knoxville’s latest cinematic endeavor, “Jackass Forever,” on the platform, so this week I’m going to share my notes with you while I watch it.
There will be SPOILERS aplenty, so stop reading now if you want to actually watch this.* Otherwise, read on. I’m subjecting myself to this abuse for you people.
The movie starts out with a depiction of a man’s penis as Godzilla.
The opening scene ends with “Godzilla” getting bitten by a snapping turtle.
Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O look really old after 20 years. The drugs and continuous concussions have not been kind.
Now we’re seeing a “human ramp” where people lie under wooden boards so a 400 pound man can drive a motorcycle over them. That’s it. That’s the gag.
Next we get a game where participants have to answer fourth-grade-level questions or get hit in the nuts with a pneumatic arm connected to a wooden flip-flop controlled by Johnny Knoxville. For the life of me, I’ll never understand why other dudes getting hit in the nuts is funny but it sucks when it happens to you.
Johnny Knoxville just hit Steve-O in the head with a volleyball thrown by some kind of conveyor belt gimmick. Steve-O responded by laughing and talking about the shit he just took in his trailer.
The next stunt involves cast members getting lured two at a time into a room where Johnny Knoxville is supposed to try to take a cookie off the head of a rattlesnake. The lights are then turned off and the cast is apparently to be scared of rattlesnake noises.
Okay that was funny. You can do great comedic work with night vision goggles, a realistic sound machine, and rubber snakes.
A man in this movie is named “Poopies.” I’m not kidding.
Now a fat man just rolled around in mousetraps for comedic amusement.
More hits to the head with volleyballs. What did volleyballs ever do to these people?
Next we see a young black man and “Poopies” attempting to surf down a Slip-N-Slide on a fat white guy. No clue how they think of this shit.
“Horses don’t have arms” might be the most intelligent thing Steve-O’s ever said.
OH GOD THE FAT GUY HAS ON TIGER STRIPED UNDERWEAR. I didn’t need to see that.
Steve-O is apparently on a mission to mutilate his penis and to make others see it. That’s the impression I get from watching him tie a queen bee to his dick at a honey farm.
Apparently everyone on the cast is okay with touching Steve-O’s dick. Talk about a lesson in consent!
Johnny Knoxville is now dressed up as an elderly man going furniture shopping.
Okay that’s some good “Candid Camera” style work. The fat guy knocked Old Johnny through the roof. Priceless expressions on the furniture store staff there.
Next is a musical chair gag where at the end one guy is getting launched out of his chair by some forcible means. This will not end well.
Come to think of it, “This will not end well” should’ve been the subtitle for this movie.
It’s amazing Wee Man didn’t break his neck after getting shot out of a chair and taking a fall on metal pipes. On his head.
Now Knoxville is going to recreate the flight of Icarus by using a cannon. Hoo boy.
“I feel like I got a 200 pound colonic up my ass” is the new line of the movie.
They’re trying to rip off Looney Tunes now. A man just rode a bike into a brick wall painted to look like a regular walking path.
“The Quiet Game” begins with a young woman licking an active stun gun.
“Poopies” just had to kiss a rattlesnake.
The fat man just dove into a pile of cacti while wearing a kite.
“The Cup Test” is prefaced by Johnny Knoxville saying, “20 years later we’re still doing the same stupid shit.” That would’ve been a great promotional tag line for this film.
A man is about to get hit in the balls by an MMA fighter whose punch carries the same amount of force as a Ford Escort hitting you at top speed.
Again, so much of the good humor in this film is guys getting hit in the balls. It’s not funny in real life and I don’t know why I’m laughing so hard.
The same man is about to get hit in the twig and berries by a professional softball pitcher’s throw. I wonder about the mental capacity of all these guys.
To the softball pitcher’s credit, she looked at the dude like “Okay weirdo” before clobbering him in the nuts with a softball.
None of these men should be allowed to procreate anyway.
The clock on the film is at 38:04 and I’m about ready to tap out with the same guy getting hit in the nuts by a hockey puck.
And we conclude “The Cup Test” with the same guy getting a pogo stick to the nuts. There’s bleeding.
Exploding porta-potties is the next gag.
“Even with an outbreak, you’re still blowing people up.”
Apparently they’ve been trying to light farts under water for 14 years.
Millions of dollars in a Hollywood budget and they used it to light farts under water.
They just duct-taped two men to chairs, put plexiglass helmets on them, and put a huge spider in the helmets to see which one gets bitten by the spider. This is entertainment in America today.
Okay we’re back to the “Candid Camera” work with a woman and Knoxville impersonating a bucket truck operator. That was good.
And my official tap out is at 50:56 with a cast member shitting his pants in anticipation of performing the Patrick Swayze “Dirty Dancing” move with Wee Man.
That’s over a thousand words and an hour of my life murdered on this drivel. I’ve better things to do.
So we’re done for the week, folks! Have a great one, and no matter how bad your week’s been, at least you didn’t sit through an hour of a glorified “Ow My Balls” routine for the amusement of others.
We’ll see you next week, everybody!
*Ed. Note: If you want to watch this movie, please go to reddit and never, but never, read SJ again. Thank you.
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