When one looks back at the year 2022, it’ll be safe to say this year was remembered as one where we put aside our collective differences, came together for the betterment of humanity, and took a collective leap forward as a species.
SURPRISE! None of that actually happened. Instead, we got more finger pointing, blaming of elected and unelected idiots for our woes, wars, and general unrest not just in America but across the globe.
At least we didn’t get a pandemic this year. No, we moved onto the Current Thing after COVID in 2022, which is at least a bit of progress. More on that later.
Yes, this is a little early and may not reflect what craziness happens in the final days of December but it’s for a good cause. I’ll explain at the end. For now, let’s kick 2022 into the dustbin of history by way of this wonderful post I like to think will embarrass Dave Barry out of work one day: the Simple Justice Year in Review!
Set the Wayback Machine to
JANUARY, when the nation, and most of the world, still tried to come to grips with COVID-19 and all its assorted variants. Dr. Anthony Fauci, America’s Public Health Jesus, tells us the focus should be on hospitalizations instead of case numbers, which is the complete opposite of what he said five minutes ago. It’s a trend.
Elizabeth Holmes, the founder of Theranos, is found guilty on four counts of fraud by a jury. The Hulu series on her life will more than make up for the embarrassment she’ll feel behind bars.
In Australia, Novak Dokovic, a dude who’s a famous tennis champion with a name I’ll never pronounce, is denied a visa into the country for the Australian Open because he’s not vaccinated against COVID-19. Rafael Nadal giggles with delight at this.
Back in the States, Neil Young issues a demand to streaming giant Spotify, telling the platform they’ll either get rid of Joe Rogan, a podcaster Spotify paid a shit ton of money to, or get rid of his entire music catalog. Spotify grants the aging rocker’s request and deletes his discography. Young would quitely return to Spotify months later after no royalties came for “Keep On Rockin’ In The Free World.”
At the end of the month, Justice Stephen Breyer announces his retirement. President Biden announces his intention to nominate a black woman to fill his seat on the Supreme Court. Folks on both sides of the aisle shake their heads, knowing he could do better than just pick someone based on race, but with Biden you just have to roll with the punches on occasion—a defining characteristic of his presidency.
FEBRUARY saw Tom Brady, arguably the greatest NFL quarterback of all time, announce his retirement. He would later come to regret this decision.
The Winter Olympics kicks off in China, with bizarre spectacles conducted under severe COVID restrictions and lockdowns attempting to appear like sports.
Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson declares a state of emergency over truckers protesting vaccination mandates on the US-Canada border. This would become a Big Thing. Later those truckers would get their bank accounts frozen and face jail time for protests, which goes against the general Canadian tendency to be nice. Let’s face it, most of us haven’t felt nice in about two years so we can empathize with Canada’s leaders, right? Right??
The Super Bowl Halftime Show delights every kid who grew up in the 90s with performances by Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Mary J. Blige, Kendrick Lamar, Eminem and 50 Cent. Older people and prudes shook their heads and proclaimed it all noise produced by felons.
At the close of February, Russian President Vladimir Putin announces his recognition of two separatist factions in Ukraine, pledging military support in annexing those regions. President Biden responds with “Oh yeah? Joe 3:16 says I just SANCTIONED your ass!”
European countries follow suit, imposing sanctions over air space, blocking payment systems, and sending arms to Ukraine to fend off Russia. It’s beginning to look a lot like war as we enter
MARCH, when “The Batman” premieres starring Robert Pattinson, he of the “Twilight” sparkly vampire movies, and Zoe Kravitz, she of the “I made up a story about not getting cast in a Batman movie once” series. The movie is generally well received, and Pattinson loses his status as “That sparkly vampire guy.”
Florida legislators pass a law banning teachers from discussing gender identity with eight year olds. This becomes known in the media as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, despite never once mentioning the word “Gay” or preventing anyone from actually saying “Gay.”
With a major crisis unfolding in Ukraine, President Biden announces a ban of Russian oil imports, neglecting to think about how this will impact skyrocketing costs at the pump. People respond on Facebook and Twitter by posting pictures of little girls holding Ukrainian flags with captions that read “I’m okay with paying a little more for gas if it helps her.”
These posts would be gone in a month when gas prices double.
Tom Brady would end his retirement this month after 40 days, announcing one more season with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Everyone saw this coming except his wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, who was not happy at all with this arrangement.
We end the month with two entertainment related notes. First, Dolly Parton is nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame but asks publicly to be removed from consideration, saying she didn’t feel like she “earned that right.”
Finally, Will Smith slapped Chris Rock onstage at the Oscars after Rock made a joke about Smith’s wife. No one with a lick of sense said Smith “earned that right.”
On to
APRIL, when billionaire Elon Musk would buy 9.2% of Twitter’s stock, making him the company’s largest shareholder. This would escalate quickly.
Ketanji Brown Jackson becomes the first black woman to be confirmed to the United States Supreme Court by the US Senate in a 53-47 vote. Some applauded the move. Others called it racist. In other words, it was a Tuesday.
Woes begin for conspiracy theorist and generally crazy person Alex Jones, whose companies file for bankruptcy after losing defamation suits to families of the Sandy Hook Massacre. This would not be the worst thing to happen to Jones this year.
A Federal judge ruled President Biden’s mask mandate on public transportation unlawful. Many celebrated. Others continued to wear masks on flights and buses. Both sides, pro and anti-mask, thought the other side batshit crazy and a danger to public health.
The month closes out with two notable moments. First, Elon Musk enters into a deal with Twitter to buy the social media platform for $44 billion.
Second, America’s Public Health Jesus declared the United States out of the “pandemic phase—for the moment.” Because he really didn’t know if there’d be a need to return to forced masking, lockdowns, and vaccine mandates. This stuff isn’t covered in detail where he works, anyway.
MAY begins with two surprises. First, Speaker Nancy Pelosi leads a surprise congressional delegation to Ukraine where they met with Volodymyr Zelenskyy and toured various war-stricken areas. Zelenskyy is usually photographed in fatigue pants and a T-shirt, which GQ later recognizes as a fashion trend for embattled leaders of Eastern European countries.
A draft decision in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization is leaked to news outlet Politico. This unprecedented leak of a draft SCOTUS opinion over a case suggests the possible overturn of Roe v. Wade, which causes massive protests from pro-choice activists.
WNBA star Brittany Griner is detained in Russia after hash oil is found in her luggage. This prompts outrage and cries of “unlawful detention” among activists in the United States, who conveniently forget laws are a lot harsher and more unforgiving in Russia.
Karine Jean-Pierre takes over Jen Psaki’s job as White House Press Secretary. She holds the distinctions of being the first black, openly gay, and Worse Than Jen Psaki Ever Was At Her Job White House Press Secretary.
The United States records one million COVID deaths. White house officials instruct the nation flags will fly at half mast through a weekend when everyone’s more focused on what’s happening in Ukraine.
And finally, a horrific shooting at a school in Uvalde, Texas prompts investigations into why law enforcement sat on their hands for an hour and tried to reason with a guy shooting people.
They can’t all be jokes, people.
JUNE gets a bit funnier with Johnny Depp prevailing in a defamation lawsuit against ex-wife Amber Heard to the tune of $15 million in damages. Heard strongly disagrees with the jury’s decision, claiming she only shit in Depp’s bed once as a goof.
A new challenger appears on the infectious disease horizon. It’s called Monkeypox. Even though we quickly learn it’s spread largely through promiscuous sex between gay men, we’re told not to mention that because it would cause a stigma among men who practiced promiscuous gay sex.
The World Health Organization would sound the alarm about Monkeypox, declaring it a “moderate” global health risk. No calls to prevent gay sex orgies are issued in any country and LGBTQ nightclubs aren’t locked down because what would later be renamed “Mpox” carried a stigma that disproportionately affected marginalized people. And made monkeys sound bad.
The January 6 Committee begins holding slickly produced hearings on broadcast television. Many people praise the committee for doing incredible work exposing a plot to overthrow the government. Others curse the Committee for preempting their favorite programs, pointing out this is much ado about idiots who did stupid shit and got shut down a year ago.
A Google engineer claims one of the company’s AI systems might be self aware. Google immediately places him on leave, telling the public it’s all crazy talk and that no one will be using artificial intelligence for basic tasks in six months. This take would not age well.
Bill Cosby is found liable for sexually assaulting a 16 year old in 1975 by an LA jury. The woman is awarded $500,000 in damages. On appeal, Cosby learns the damages can’t be paid in Jell-O Pudding Pops.
And before Justice Breyer retires the Supreme Court issues two 6-3 rulings that leave half the country happy and half outraged. The first, New York State Rifle and Pistol Association, strikes down a century old New York law restricting licenses for carrying guns and affirms a Second Amendment right to carry guns for self defense.
The second, Dobbs, overturns Roe v. Wade’s holding of a constitutional right to abortion. People flock to the streets in protest, demanding Congress codify into law a right the High Court held was an issue Congress couldn’t decide.
JULY begins with great drama in Britain when 40 government ministers and aides withdraw support from Prime Minister Boris Johnson in a 24 hour period. This allegedly is due to Johnson throwing parties at Downing Street while the rest of the UK was locked down. One day later Johnson would announce his resignation as Prime Minister, citing a need for a leave of absence over unending bad hair days.
Former Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe is assassinated while giving a speech in Japan. The method of execution appears to be a homemade gun, prompting Japanese talking heads to debate what may have happened if a good guy with a homemade gun were present.
Twitter sues Elon Musk when the world’s richest man tries to pull out of a pending deal to buy the company. Musk claims the platform badly misstated the amount of spam and bot accounts. Twitter legal representation proceeds to file in court under the legal theory of “No backsies.”
And in disease news, the WHO declares Monkeypox a global health emergency. People not engaged in promiscuous gay sex pay little attention.
Finally, President Biden, who is so vaccinated eighty percent of his bodily fluids come from Pfizer, tests positive for COVID-19. Like many public figures, he announces on Twitter that he’s experiencing mild symptoms and will quarantine. The President also encourages everyone to get vaccinated for the 46th time.
Heading into AUGUST, talk begins of a “red wave” in US Politics. Smart people everywhere in charge of polls predict the GOP convincingly takes the House and Senate. People in Washington prepare for a disruption in the status quo of power. Some Democrats refuse to go on record when asked if they’ll support a Biden Presidential run in 2024.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi visits Taiwan. She is the first Speaker to visit the country in 25 years, and the first in as many to piss off the CCP with her presence. Americans tell the Chinese “tough titties, we deal with this old bat daily.”
Alex Jones’ public woes continue when the jury in his Sandy Hook defamation case find him liable for $4.1 million in compensatory damages. This will not be the worst thing to happen to Jones in 2022.
Brittany Griner is sentenced to nine years in Russian prison for drug smuggling. American activists scream about her unlawful detention. Russians shrug, responding with “Say “Nyet” to drugs, comrades!”
US Attorney General Merrick Garland announces criminal charges against four police officers for the 2020 death of Breonna Taylor. He also signs off on a raid of former President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home over Trump’s mishandling of classified documents. Eleven sets of documents are recovered in the raid, some bearing “top secret” security designations.
People in the media wildly speculate Trump was busy attempting to sell nuclear secrets to foreign agents. No one looked to the obvious–that the former Cheeto in Chief maybe just liked the documents and wanted to keep them as souvenirs. He’s actually simple like that.
President Biden signs the Inflation Reduction Act into law. It’s a $370 billion spending package that doesn’t reduce inflation but says a lot of nice things about combating climate change.
Not ready to stop, Biden announced a massive cancelation of student loan debt pretty much everyone with a lick of sense claims he’s got no authority to call. The White House responds to critics of this plan by tweeting the amount of PPP loans each critic took during the pandemic.
No one in the administration thought for one second how idiotic it was to compare loans taken voluntarily in pursuit of higher education with loans provided by the government to forcibly shut down businesses in the pandemic. That’s kind of how they roll. Tweet first and ask questions later is the policy order of the day.
Finally, Anthony Fauci announced his intention to step down as chief medical adviser to the President and head of the NIAID. Americans cheer nationally, telling the diminutive elf “Don’t let the Monkeypox infected doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out!”
SEPTEMBER begins with President Biden giving a speech that looked like a scene from “V for Vendetta” outside Independence Hall in Philadelphia. Calling “MAGA Republicans” a grave threat to democracy, Biden labeled effectively half the country domestic terrorists while it by dark red lighting.
He would halfway walk these remarks back a day later, citing inspiration for the speech previously viewed episodes of “Matlock” and “Beavis And Butthead.”
Across the pond, Liz Truss becomes the new Prime Minister of Britain. She and other progressive types in the UK celebrate no high offices being held by white men for the first time.
Queen Elizabeth passes away after 70 years of ruling Britain. Her son ascends to the throne as King Charles III. Americans mourn the monarch’s passing by noting any future James Bond films will involve HIS Majesty’s Secret Service.
Prime Minister Truss announces a cap on energy costs. This will not go well for her.
Florida governor Ron DeSantis flies two plane loads of Venezuelan immigrants to Martha’s Vineyard to call attention to the crisis at our nation’s southern border. After a weekend where locals claimed the immigrants “enriched” their lives law enforcement and military personnel deport the immigrants from the Vineyard to a nearby military base.
Protests erupt in Iran after a 22 year old woman named Mahsa Amini is allegedly killed in custody of the country’s “morality police.” Activists in America take to the streets in solidarity bearing All Morality Police Are Bastards signs.
Actually most people sat on their hands because CNN was still obsessed with what was happening in Ukraine.
Near the end of September British PM Liz Truss announces a mini budget package with tax cuts that spell the end of her term as Prime Minister. It’s later called “The Mini Budget That Broke Britain.” This mini-budget puts the Pound on close footing with the US Dollar, something the British cannot stomach.
And two pipelines carrying Russian gas to Europe are allegedly sabotaged. Everyone points fingers at everyone. Except for Ukrainian President Zelenskyy, who swears it was Russia involved with everything from the sabotage to Chris Paul having extramarital sex with Kim Kardashian.
OCTOBER begins spooky season with InfoWars host Alex Jones being ordered to pay $965 million in punitive damages for defaming families in the Sandy Hook massacre. This would still not be the worst thing to happen to the conspiracy peddler all year. We’re getting to that.
Jefferson Airplane is honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame despite “White Rabbit” being the only good song they ever recorded.
Liz Truss announces her intention to resign as Prime Minister of Britain. Her 44 day run is the shortest in British history and cited as a good reason by idiots why you don’t let women run countries. Her successor, Rishi Sunaks, is the first PM of color in British history so the UK is applauded for being progressive despite failing at government.
Rap mogul Kanye West has a break with reality and announces his intentions to go “Death Con 3 on Jews” on Twitter. His interviews and appearances in the media will go like this for the next couple of months:
MEDIA: “You don’t really hate all Jews, right?”
KANYE: “No. I really hate all Jews. Also I love Hitler.”
MEDIA:”You’re trying to be edgy now.”
YE: “No, I really love Hitler.”
These antisemitic statements would cost Kanye his shoe deal with German company Adidas. Let that sink in. The Germans, who want nothing to do with anyone who loves Hitler, made the billionaire rapper a millionaire overnight.
After a lengthy “will he or won’t he” period, Elon Musk buys Twitter. He proceeds to go through the company’s headquarters on his first day of ownership with a paintball gun tagging everyone he wants to fire.
That’s not true. Ari Gold did that in the HBO show “Entourage.” But a man can dream, can’t he? Elon does fire four top executives on his first day though, a sign of real change to the company.
Paul Pelosi, the Speaker’s husband, is attacked by a guy with a hammer who broke into the family residence. Media pundits decry violent MAGA Republican rhetoric until the attacker is revealed as a mentally ill ANTIFA nudist living in a bus. Republican pundits launch attacks befitting a 12 year old boy suggesting Paul Pelosi and his attacker were in a gay tryst gone wrong. Grow up, people.
Which leads to NOVEMBER and the midterm elections. The predicted “red wave” is a red shart. Republicans take the House of Representatives but lose the Senate, where Democrats gain a 51 seat majority. Americans took to the polls and definitively declared they were done with crazy in elected officials. While Republicans ponder a change in leadership, the man no one wanted to hear from again, Donald Trump, declares his bid for the Presidency two years before the election. No one, not even President Biden, has announced an intention to run.
Remember this for the next month.
Chris Evans is named People’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” Evans reacts to the news by saying “My mom will be so happy!” Normal people responded by saying “Eww, you dragged your mother into this?”
Nancy Pelosi announces she will no longer seek a leadership position with House Democrats. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
Bob Iger returns to helm Disney after a disastrous stint by former CEO Bob Chapek tanks the Mouse House’s stock price. In a meeting with Disney cast members, Iger says it was a mistake to go to battle with Florida over legislation in the state. Governor Ron DeSantis responds by saying “FAFO, Bitches. FAFO.”
In Colorado a gunman opens fire at an LGBTQ nightclub, killing five and injuring 19. The media declares the attack part and parcel of a world with violent MAGA Republican rhetoric until the attacker identifies as non-binary at a hearing and asks to be referred to by “Mx” pronouns. Then the media suggests bullying was the key factor in the shooting.
Gotta love the weekly journalist pivot in America.
Protests erupt in China after lockdown measures in Xinjiang cause 10 people to die in an apartment fire. The normally authoritarian Chinese government takes a step back and says “Did we actually go too far?” Chinese leader Xi Jinping responds with a resounding “Nah, bros, we cool.”
Spotify ends the month by announcing Harry Styles and Bad Bunny as the most streamed artists on their platform. Old people everywhere responded with “Who” and “What’s Spotify?”
Which gives us DECEMBER, and a holiday season like no other. Chief Twit Elon Musk releases what is called the “Twitter Files,” internal company documents showing government and political coordination with the platform to remove actors people with contacts didn’t like from the site.
Donald Trump–the only person running for President –responds by calling for a suspension of the Constitution and his rightful installation as President from an election he didn’t win. Republicans across the nation backed slowly away from the sentient Cheeto.
Not one to shy away from stepping on rakes when under scrutiny, Trump has a dinner at Mar-a-Lago with Kanye West, Nick Fuentes and Milo Yianoppolous.
That joke writes itself, dear readers. A rapper, a Cheeto, a white supremacist and a retired internet troll walk into a restaurant. I’ve done the heavy lifting for almost 4000 words now. You write the punchline.
Speaking of “Ye,” as he prefers to be called, the rap star would go on to accomplish something of a Christmas miracle by doing something previously thought impossible: making Alex Jones look uncomfortable on his own show. Clad in a black gimp mask and puffy jacket, West made the InfoWars host look sane by comparison in a matter of minutes professing his love of all the good Hitler accomplished during his lifetime.
Jones would later tell anyone who’d listen filing for personal bankruptcy that day was the second worst thing to happen to him all year.
And finally, Brittany Griner came home for Christmas in a lopsided trade that saw us give a guy who the movie “Lord of War” was based on for a pothead lesbian WNBA player. And we didn’t even get future draft picks in return.
With that we end 2022 with festive dreams, bright holiday spirits, and general optimism for the coming year even though this is coming to you early. Any other crazy December shit will have to wait until the 2023 Year in Review.
If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you reading my work this year. Should my Year in Review tickle you in any way, please share it on social media with the hashtag #BetterThanBarry so I can hopefully finally dethrone the Year in Review king.
I hope all of you have wonderful holiday seasons, no matter how you celebrate. Personally I’m taking a couple weeks off for a much needed family vacation. Here’s to getting this year behind us and starting 2023 with some quality dick jokes!
I’ll see all of you in January. Until then, please play me out, Mr. Garrison!
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